I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone