Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

same bro

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops