Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

one last job

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.