I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.