I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
