“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
new year update: losing everything but weight
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”