“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
three things we don’t talk about
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free