Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

“I wouldn’t.”

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

when dads have a rap battle

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*