Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.