I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
#parenting
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The struggle is real.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
