“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.