“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
oh shit
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.