“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
me doing my best
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The “research” scene in every horror movie