Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

they see me scrollin

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

There is no try. There is only give up.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.