“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
This is always good for a laugh.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them