Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

there’s probably a fee though

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.