Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”