Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.