Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

ㅤㅤ

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

Liquor Store Parking

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.