I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
when you order from DoorDastardly
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics