Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Ah..makes sense now

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house