I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Seek kebab; not attention
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes