I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Breaking news:
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”