I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Has there ever been a more American story?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had