I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My boss called in sick of me
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf