I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs