I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.