Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Its true…

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly