I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Finally a use for spoilers…
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
