I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The Punning Dead.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.