I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*