I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
🙂🐾
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone