I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You Might Also Like
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Story of my life…..
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
A Monday every week is excessive
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss