I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Every time.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.