I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok