Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

🤣🤣💀

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive