I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep