I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
he chose this
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.