Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

I’ve disappointed better people.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn