Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

🤯🤯🤯

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Saw online –

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.