Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again