Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

When I face a minor setback

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.