I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Brands during Pride
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume