I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.