Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi