Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day