I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one