I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
you could not pay me to delete this app
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*