I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I have a type: disappointing
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again