I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Leonardo DiCaprisun
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Seems kinda suspicious
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for