after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the three genders
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
house sitting!
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]