Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts