I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”