I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
im 7 sauces long
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..