Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.