I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.