I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
You Might Also Like
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
THIS HEADLINE
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.