Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

security at the airport getting more straightforward

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.