I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
$3 #books
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet