Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

you telling me a banana nut in this bread