Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.