I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Don’t snitch tag.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
see next tweet for some translations
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.