I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag