I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Oh my God.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.