Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”