Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same