Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns