Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.
BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Things I learned from media:
Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out
Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*