@Iwriteforcats

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

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@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

@squirrel74wkgn

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@wildethingy

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@WinningByARose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture