@Iwriteforcats

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@packageoflies

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

@therealeatwood

ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?

@davidsirota

Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@truegritrumble

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*