I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama