I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old