I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
