I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I hope Alan is OK
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.