I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
me after eating Cheetos
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Baking is just science you can eat.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell