i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB